What is Anger?
Experiencing emotions is a normal part of being human. Emotions of themselves are not right or wrong, good or bad. They are part of our internal warning system. For example:
- Joy gives us a reason to live
- Fear tells us when we are in danger
- Anger helps us to stand up for ourselves and others
Being in touch with our emotions helps us relate to other people and understand ourselves. Not knowing how to manage or express our emotions in healthy ways affects our relationships with others and our own self esteem.
Anger is Normal
Anger is a normal healthy emotion that we experience when we perceive that something is unfair or unjust. It is normal to get angry when we feel that our needs are not being met in some way. If we didn't feel anger, we would not know to stand up for ourselves. However, the way we respond to feelings of anger can be right or wrong, healthy or unhealthy.
Anger often comes with a burst of energy that can make us want to react quickly. The advice of our mothers to "Count to 10 before responding" was wise because it gives time to stop and think about what to do and how to react wisely rather than in a rash manner.
However, some families teach people that they aren't allowed to get angry at all, so when they should be angry, they don't allow themselves to respond, even in appropriate ways. The energy that comes with feelings of anger is suppressed temporarily, but still needs to find a way out. If we don't find a way to deal with it in a healthy way, then this suppressed anger will eventually come out in an unhealthy way. It may be ACTED OUT or ACTED IN.
Acting Out
Some ways to express or manage anger in a HEALTHY way:
- Be watchful for the physical warning signs of anger and admit your anger to yourself
- Walk away from situations that are becoming too much for you (almost always this can be done politely with a reasonable excuse)
- Wait till you cool off (count to 10!), then talk to the person you are angry with in a calm, assertive manner about the problem
- Take time out and use relaxation exercises to clear your head so you can think reasonably about the situation
- If you still feel that talking to the person would be impossible, write a letter expressing how you feel. Don't hold back but really let your feelings out. Then burn the letter.
- Find a safe physical way to express any pent up anger - eg. working out, running, walking, gardening, housework, etc. (eg. pulling out ivy works wonders!)
- Talk to someone such as a trusted friend or counsellor about your anger
Some UNHEALTHY ways of expressing anger:
- Violence or abuse of any kind - physical, mental, verbal, social, financial, emotional, intellectual, sexual and any other way
- “Isms” – racism, sexism, etc. Acting in ways to exclude people for no good reason other than their colour, race, gender, religion etc.
- When you are angry you may notice that aggression gets you what you want from other people. Getting your own way becomes the trigger, rather than anger. However, aggressive behaviour comes at a cost:
- People will be frightened of you
- They will avoid you
- They may hit back
- If your relationships are not lasting or working well, consider whether your behaviour is really working in your favour or not.
Acting In
Consequences of suppressing anger or expressing it unwisely can include things such as -
- Self harming behaviours
- Depression and suicide
- Domestic violence
- Unwarranted verbal abuse
- Drug & alcohol abuse
- Ignoring your own needs to keep the peace
- Physical illness
- Sleep disturbance
Ongoing Change
facilitates groups for those who may have concerns
about anger and other issues. If you feel you
might have a problem
with anger (either acted out or acted in) you may find it helpful to
attend an Ongoing Change group.
Groups for men and women are currently running in East Burwood, East Melbourne, Frankston and Castlemaine. Locations and times are available here.
